He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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