Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
