I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Randomize
