she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
