Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
