Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
