she woke up with a sticky ear
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
