I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This house was built for laser tag.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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