I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
