I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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