Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
