i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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