saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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