I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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