A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
