I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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