Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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