my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
