He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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