I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
