At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i was born a porn star she said
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
