There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
