She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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