I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
