i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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