Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
