dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
