The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
