I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
