Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
