I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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