I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
