I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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