Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
