he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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