Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
