I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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