Well apparently he's into motor boating.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
