I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
