She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
