my mouth tastes like poor choices
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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