last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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