I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
