youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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