is your mom at the bar?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
