Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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