I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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