I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
