Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
