i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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